The Madness

• My CCENT exam is next Thursday.
• THIS Thursday, directly after class, I'm driving 16 hours out to Colorado to see my youngest sister-in-law get married.
• Then I am almost immediately turning around and driving home another 16 hours so I can be back in time for Monday class and my Security+ certification exam. Hopefully, I'll be able to eat somewhere cool in Denver at least, and also snuggle my tiny, new niece.
• Homework for classes is mostly virtual labs that take a few hours a pop, tests, and somewhere in there, making a wireless antenna from scratch.
• By the middle of May (MERE WEEKS) I'll be taking the ICND-2 cert exam, which combined with the CCENT I hopefully passed, will make a CCNA (provided I don't fuck up).
• Then, graduation.
• Then PLEASE GOD SOMEONE HIRE ME FOR A REASONABLE WAGE SOMEWHERE, BUT NOT HERE.
• Then: ??????????

I am a ball of anxiety and generalized terror.

My life is studying, subnetting flashcards, practice exams and sleep. I'm too stressed to eat well, or often. I try to relax, but I'm so wired into school right now, the only way I can chill out is by doing other computer-y things. I'm becoming chair-shaped! In spite of entirely paying off half our debts this spring, our budget was sharply reduced thanks to Gavin's work cutting his hours (they keep trying NOT to pay their employees, and I've threatened them once already after they tried to "delay" paychecks), so everything is hand-to-mouth. I keep having dreams that we can't ever sell our house, and it becomes sentient and starts growing horrible sub-basements full of monsters and plumbing, and that all the things we own try to suffocate us. During the day I zone out and worry about Gavin losing his job before I can get ANY kind of work, because I failed all my exams, and then we have to give the cats away and I actually start crying.

Passing these exams and finding work is such a huge deal right now that I can hardly think of anything else. I am terrified to think what happens if I don't make it (lots of people don't pass 'em the first time around), simply because it'll be next to impossible to afford the re-testing fee and I just don't have anything else. I've been resenting the idea of driving out to Colorado (even though I am really happy for my sister-in-law and everything), but it might well be good to just get away and not be able to focus on all of this for a few days.