Surreal

Jun. 28th, 2014 11:08 pm
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[personal profile] hat_of_nikitich
I'm in the midst of a gigantic moving sale. Tomorrow's the last day, then I hope Goodwill will take the rest of it. We've been selling almost everything for $1.

The house is for sale. The realtors want us to get the paint on the trim/eaves touched up (this winter was really hard on the exterior), but I have no idea how to afford or schedule it before we leave next week. They're also not very reassuring about whether or not we'll get what we owe on the place, after closing costs, which I am, by turns, angry and terrified about.

We booked a hotel for five nights in Berkeley, the plan being that Gavin will be apartment hunting/obtaining while I'm at work, and we'll hit it in the evenings besides if he doesn't find anything. We're going out with almost nothing: an air mattress, clothes and our computers. We've been spidering listings in the area like mad for the last three weeks, though, so we have a good idea of where to get started. I have so much fucking paperwork prepared. If we have to, we'll extend our stay at the hotel.

The only good news I've had in all this is that our moving costs (transportation, storage, and hotel costs) are deductible. Especially because my new company isn't offering any reimbursement. This move is going to put us into some pretty serious credit card debt for the next year, so we're lucky our credit rating is so good.

We've been saying goodbye to local friends. That's plenty hard, but we all spend a lot of time online together, too. I hope it'll keep us in touch. I find I'm having the hardest time saying goodbye to the kitties -- they are staying with their dad here in MN. He may well move out to California by the end of the year, but I don't know if he will bring them, or give them to his family or what. We catsat these guys for a year, which is why I'm so attached. I think their owner expects that they are just ours now; we still buy their food/litter/stuff. In fact, I want to try and get a pet friendly place, and fly them out later this year. If that is even possible. I just can't imagine subjecting them to a 31-hour car trip. Gavin's less married to them, and thinks their owner has responsibility for 'em. I don't care, I just want my babies.

Odysseus in particular knows what's up, though. I can't get him to leave my lap when I sit down, and I get weepy as hell thinking about not having him and Achilles around. Having just lost Osiris in December, this is hard as fuck. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me I can't/shouldn't have pets. I feel like a horrible pet owner, anyway.

I'm tired in my bones. I struggle with insomnia pretty regularly, but I haven't even been able to drug myself to sleep, lately. I'm up, pacing, scared we won't sell the house; that we will still owe tens of thousands of dollars if it does sell; worried that I won't be any good at my new job, that no one will like me; frightened we won't find an apartment; horrified that we'll drown in debt, that things will be no better there than they are here. I know the last thing is functionally impossible, considering what I'll be making at my new job, and where we'll be living, but after so long in a miserable place, it's surprisingly hard to be optimistic.

I spend the wee hours making lists, calculating and re-calculating worst-case-scenario budgets for our first months out there. The numbers are always fine, but I can't shake a feeling of dread. I'm not good with transience, or uncertain situations, so it's textbook anxiety and neurosis, but that doesn't make it go away.

I'm ready to leave. I just want to go, and I want all this bullshit in the middle to be over with. I'm so excited for my new job, and to live in the Bay Area, and to be somewhere with THINGS to do and see, and people I love. I don't want all this garbage to be overshadowing my hopes with its gross whatevers.
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